Well, it's official. After all those judgments... I'm going to hell.
It is tragically comic, but it happens to most people who come to the city. They bite the "Big Apple", believing that an enchanted prince will show up saving their lives. Well, in the best case scenario, we will be lying on the floor forever and one our friends will pop up screaming: Wake up, bitch! Nobody is coming to rescue, this is New York!
Finding the perfect match in a place full of possibilities can be really tricky. We keep ourselves busy choosing too much while time goes by, and let's face it, nobody is getting younger. We certainly have no idea what we want from life, and that's ok, but we definitely need to have in mind what we don't want:
Engagement rings
Wedding rings
Suffering
(And either of the former undoubtedly leads to the latter).
In order to avoid the suffering and save your time, you better take a look at some of those bad experiences I collected from friends and yes... myself:
The High's Kitchen boy: he doesn't necessarily live in Hell's Kitchen, but I could not miss the joke, right? This is the most common type in the city. He is available 24/7, on "relationship apps" and he is intensely looking for love. What you should have in mind is that his perception of love doesn't last longer than the G effect, and if the ecstasy pill is too strong he may go on social media teaching people how to love someone in 30 days. It's hilarious! Also he doesn't move from his neighbor to see someone else, unless there are any drugs involved. If you wanna conquer his complex heart it's very simple: squeeze a lime in his mouth and give him a piece of chocolate. Once he is sober express your feelings right away, you may not have much time.
Only for fans or only for love? this guy is so charming, sculpted body, he wears expensive brands from head to toe, he travels all over the globe every month always staying in fine hotels and spots published in Conde Nast Traveler, he attends all the circuit parties here and there (what a nice schedule!); always very generous, invites you for dinner in the most exquisite places and - he pays the bill - that's so amazing, right? Not to mention his thing is above average, way above let's say. Long story short: when you go to bed, he goes on line. Do I need to explain more? Done with judgment and back being a friend, this relationship can work out if you don't mind be the second option or... just a fan for fun.
The Brooklyn hipster: food co-op, organic, vegan, reuse this and that, flex (not necessarily in bed). He is the typical type of Iphone socialist who fights about politics all the time with everyone. Think gay manbun-guy from the Burg. He really wants to change the world and help people since he doesn't need to be there: 'Hi, I would like to help the marvelous kids from the orphanage... What? I need to go in person? Can I just post a cute picture with some hashtags? I can't hear you, the connection is really bad, bye'.
The boy on Fire... Island: this category I would say is the sweetest one. This is the G-U-Y, full of good intentions, most likely traditional, the real husband. He talks looking into your eyes touching your hands slowly, cuddles like no one does; he makes clear he wants you forever until... summer time, yayyy!!! Forget it, some days before the "almost naked" season he will change his mind drastically and suddenly all his bff's will show up from nothing, inviting him for brunches, beach parties, parties with bitches, then you know... he will give you the "I'm not ready for a relationship" crap. Oh, before I forget don't get too surprised if he hits you back some gays later: hey, stranger long time no see.
The 1 BK bad influencer: this guy wants to go viral everyday - he needs to! His drill is basically the basics: look pretty, post pictures and get **cked. He is obsessed about likes per second and if you are not at least close to 1 Million K, you are nobody. You will be abso-fucking-lutely ignored! Digital influencers, personal bloggers, fitness models, ass exposers believing they are radically changing the world and influencing generations with their horny pictures until they realize they are just a piece of this game where everyone pretends they are loved by numbers of likes. In this Insta-grammed world with instant relationships that start so fast and don't last longer than a Cup of Noodles, there is a lot of insecurity, loneliness and misconnection. People want to be seen, objectified and gossiped about. They are seeking for love but they are not ready to be real, they fear going back and being anonymous.
The Broadway's almost celebrity: there are two types of celebrities in this world, the legends and those who believe they are famous. The difference between one to another is the audience, the consistency and what they bring to the table: their legacy. Star boys tend to be delusional, give them a little chance and they will treat the rest of the world like insignificant tickets: playing with people and acting with words. For this reason some relationships doesn't go too far, the "almost famous Broadway guy" creates a character where he is a catch and nobody is enough. As Time Square goes by he finds himself stuck with a decorated script, without allowing himself to improvise, to try new roles and that's how the spectacle ends.
It's more important that we love ourselves instead of keeping red flags in our lives. Period. On the other hand, we need to pay attention to avoid creating walls that make us unable to see someone behind their labels. In the end we are just human beings struggling by ourselves, trying to be appreciated, to have real connections and to find that comfort that bring us peace.
Written by: Bruno de Abreu Rangel brunorangelbrazil@gmail.com
Edited by: Daniel Franken franken.daniel@gmail.com
